How to shop at Whole Foods in Williamsburg on Sunday

  1. Baskets. Not carts. Baskets.
  2. Do not make eye contact. Making eye contact means acknowledging people’s humanity and that’s not why you came here.
  3. Go to the cheese section where there are usually samples of cheese cut into generous portions. Take three.
  4. Do not stop in the beauty section. Yes essential oils seem nice but aren’t you still working your way through the tea tree oil that you bought in 2014?
  5. Look, the only reason you came here instead of going to your local grocery store is because the almond butter here is cheap so just get some and get out of here already.
  6. If someone is trying to figure out how to get their cart on the escalator do not help them. You’ve never even used the cart-escalator before anyway so you couldn’t help them even if you tried.
  7. Waive eye contact rule for your cashier. And please be nice. You get to go home now. They will be here all day.


  1. Gosh. I don’t even take a basket. It’s dangerous. And I always bring a canvas bag or a backpack. Otherwise you end up spending too much money for stuff you really don’t want. It’s good to pay cash too. No more data for the Amazon behemoth that already knows what books you browse. They don’t need to know I buy over-priced almond flour to make gluten free flourless chocolate cakes.

    Personally my favorite place to shop is Lot-Less. There are a few surprises there every time I go, especially when it comes to chocolate. Or artichoke hearts. And very nice preserves and jams. It’s an adventure that is best done after a happy hour drink so you buy not one, but two kinds of chocolate. And yes, I never take a basket there either.

      1. Lot-Less is so random that it isn’t really a place to go for groceries but it’s really fun with a great working class vibe. You never really know what you are going to find, but when you do find something special it’s kind of heartening. Why I don’t like shopping online. It’s convenient but there’s just what you want most of the time.

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