I spent a lot of last year not really on social media. And not really writing this blog.
Which begs the question: where have I been?
A few days ago an old friend told me to come visit them in Vermont, thinking that I was still nearby in New York City. And I realized that I disappeared to a lot of people this year. And some people disappeared to me. And I think I disappeared to myself a little.
And if you wanted to find yourself again where would you go looking?
My brother came over last night. He opened my windows for me. And he shredded some cheese for my salad (because my collarbone is broken and I can’t do those things). Then, while I ate slowly and deliberately with my left hand he played my guitar. We sang together some and it was really sweet. And I took a video of us and asked if I could post it on Instagram. But Bill said, no way dude.
But I wanted to post it so badly. Why? Because I’m trying to find myself? On Instagram?
Why do we tell stories about ourselves? Why do we make sculptures and poems and songs? It seems selfish a lot of the time. If no one reads your story, well it was just for you and what a waste of time. But then if everyone reads your story, well what made you think that your story deserved all this attention anyway?
There are two solutions to this paradox which are: nothing you make matters. Or all of it matters. And I do believe in the latter, even if it is just to help me sleep at night.
Instagram is at its core immoral: run by money and biased algorithms. But it pretends to promise just that: everything matters. I think maybe every time I post on Instagram what I really want to say is: THIS REALLY FUCKING MATTERS TO ME. This baby tomato. This spiderweb in the corner of my room. My party shorts. Singing with someone. It matters so much. It matters more than most of the things that we say matter: like money or fame or things. And that is what I really want to say when I post something on Instagram: isn’t this life really fucking sweet sometimes? But maybe instead of saying it to Instagram I will try just saying it to myself or whatever sweet soul is in my presence.